In every military battle, our troops have come home to face an enemy in some ways more lethal than the one they fought in combat. PTSD is an anxiety disorder that affects all troops afflicted with it differently. To some, the symptoms are minimized to simple bad dreams or trouble sleeping. On the extreme end, it leads to severe depression, violent outbursts, and even suicide. While Soldiers have suffered from these issues for decades (even centuries), it wasn’t until recently that a concerted effort was made to remove the stigma that prevented these warriors from seeking and receiving help.
When troops returned from Bosnia, over 61% of them believed that disclosing their inner demons would ruin their career. The perception never went away. With over 2 million combat veterans having been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan since 2001, we are still working to combat that belief within the force.
In 2009, the suicide rate in the military peaked to a 30-year high. Leaders were quick to realize that more needed to be done. General Peter Chiarelli, Vice Chief of Staff of the Army, engaged in an aggressive campaign to remove the stigma that was preventing troops from seeking treatment. Troy and I interviewed him on the You Served Radio Show and at the end of that interview I accepted the challenge. For the first time, I really spoke candidly about the battle raging in my head.
While I was in Iraq in 2003, I was TACOM to various front line units: first 3/7 Cav for the push into Iraq and spearheaded the Division effort to As Samawah; then 4-64 Armor for feint operations in/around An Hilla and Najaf; then 1-64 Armor for the Thunder Runs into Mahmudiya and Baghdad; and finally with 3-15 Infantry to restore peace in Fallujah. My team never got to reset because when the battalion we supported was resetting, we were pushed to the next front-line unit. There were only so many tactical HUMINT teams at the time and we were a huge commodity.
From the time we crossed the border until Baghdad fell, my team was under sustained fire, direct and indirect. It was during one of these that I was injured while trying to free some Iraqi prisoners caught in the bombardment. It got so bad at one point that we had to dig foxholes and set up Claymores.
As part of my duties, it was my resonsibility to search the dead, wounded, and captured for intelligence. Many of those that I had to search had died on a battlefield that wasn’t safe to search for 2-3 three days. Ever had to smell the rotting flesh of a human being that had been bloated by the hot Iraqi sun? I can’t even begin to describe it, but the smell is very real all these years later. During one battle, I expended so much ammo, that I had to explain to my 1SG at the time why I was one magazine short as a begged for a replacement. I had lost it while advancing on the objective during a clip change. Cj-9. Iraqis-0.
While searching one man that was killed three days earlier when trying to run our checkpoint, his ear fell off as I was searching him for identification as I jostled his stiff body trying to hold my breath. Maggots had practically infested his cranial cavity and it appeared as if his neck were alive as they crawled under his skin! I was able to aim my vomit away from the vehicle.
Ever wonder how accurate the movies are when someone gets shot and writhes around clutching the bullet wound for a few minutes before his eyes dramatically close? Not very. As a matter of fact, when the bullet is properly placed for a lethal shot, it’s actually amazing how fast the human body can collapse – and how forcefully. It’s not until you actually have to take a human life that you even begin to truly appreciate how precious it is. Even more so when the life you have to take is that of an innocent woman being used as a human shield by an insurgent trying to kill you.
To think that these and other experiences don’t affect the human psyche is ignorant at best; criminal at worst. Training, upbringing, experience, and other factors determine how each individual will deal with those issues. Some sick, sadistic folks would have absolutely no problem with the sights and smells of combat. But, there aren’t very many of them, thankfully.
When I decided to start sharing my inner demons with whomever wanted to read them, I did so for two reasons: I wanted to be free from these thoughts by getting them out of my head and I wanted to set an example for other troops. I accepted General Chiarelli’s challenge to NCOS that, “If you believe anxiety and depression are signs of weakness, so will they [the troops],” he said. “This is the great challenge of your generation. And how you respond will impact not only the soldiers who serve beside you today but those in future generations.” He said that in 2009.
So, I began writing about my dreams, my thoughts, my emotional rollercoasters, and, yes, about my desire to end my own suffering by taking my own life. But, I didn’t pick up a gun. I didn’t go on a shooting rampage on post. I didn’t rob a bank. I didn’t beat up a politician or police officer. I didn’t drink myself into a coma. I picked up a phone.
It is THAT low point in my life that Michael Yon has chosen to exploit for his own personal gain – whatever that may be. But, I don’t really care what Yon has to say about me. I DO care about the message that Yon is sending to other troops who may happen to be privately going through the same personal hell I go through internally and are trying to determine if they should really seek help.
Even though the military has created all these great programs and all these leaders are making public statements about the power of seeking help and that doing so is NOT a sign a weakness, but a sign of strength; even then we have troops who are unsure about what will happen to them if they come forward. Why is that?
Well, because people like Michael Yon and his “fans” think that PTSD is a joke…a game. Made up to “sound like a victim,” to use the words of MsHeng Heng, whom I believe is Yon’s alter ego, but definitely one of his adoring fans. Yon didn’t correct her. He didn’t correct any of his “fans” when they made continuous attacks not on me, but on my diagnosis. On the results of witnessing and taking part in the worst of human nature – war.
Michael Yon – “I don’t argue with insanity.”
Michael Yon – “I think it’s very real, while others use it as an excuse to behave intolerably.”
Michael Yon – “[S]omeone in Mr. Grisham’s state should not be deployed and should be evaluated. It would be irresponsible to deploy him — especially if he is in a position to make life/death decisions. Clearly he should not have a weapon.”
Beth Bryant Gambrill - “Personally, I made sure he wasn’t in my area as I was seriously contemplating an Order of Protection if he had been. Because I felt he was that ill and unstable…”
MsHeng Heng – “Most important is please keep getting help; I hate to think we are seeing a meltdown in progress.”
Michael Yon – “C.J. has no business deploying or holding a weapon. I forwarded this article to a very high level. His chances of being deployed now are extremely remote.”
Michael Yon – “Do you think this man should be deployed to a war when he says he can’t cope with the last one?”
Michael Yon – “The Grisham guy needs help. He published this freely the web even while attacking me. Some people did not realize that he is having mental issues. He needs help.”
Beth Bryant Gambrill – “I personally find Grisham off putting, offensive, and misongynistic. As well as a ticking time bomb with little self control. Yeah, the perfect combat ready leader.”
Michael Yon – “To not forward Mr. Grisham’s public comments would be to sell out not only him, but other troops.”
Beth Bryant Gambrill – “Grisham, let’s hope our paths never do cross as the Army is a very small place. You scare me.”
I could really go on and on. The last comment pretty much summarizes what I’m talking about here. Soldiers NEED to talk about their experiences without worrying about someone with an agenda like Michael Yon or his minions using it against them for evil purposes. Nowhere on Yon’s site did he ever reach out to my “insanity” privately. Instead, he chose to continuously mock me publicly. Yon never once stopped to think that if, in fact, I were truly a threat to myself or someone else, could his very words push me over the edge? I would think that a young Soldier recently returned from his first combat experience dealing with the same type of attacks I got would be pushed over the edge and convinced that maybe he IS insane! Maybe the world IS a better place without him. THAT is the most irresponsible part of Yon’s attempts to use PTSD against me and others, not to mention the sheer lack of compassion. Again, not for me, but for those that deal with PTSD and may happen to disagree with him.
I don’t know how many of the 44,000+ “fans” of Michael Yon are active duty (or real for that matter), but my concern is a young Soldier (or even a seasoned one) that is contemplating coming out and seeking help for his PTS, maybe even writing about their issues and having to worry about people like Yon, FORMER Williams Middle School School PTA President Angela Thomas, and Williams Middle School Principal Avis Williams using it to their ideological advantage. See, Yon was completely off base on that too, choosing to highlight ALLEGATIONS against me and ignoring the final result.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I don’t mince words. I say what’s on my mind and some people get offended by that. Instead of recognizing that maybe I’m just an ass, these fanatics – prodded by Michael Yon – attempted to use PTSD as a tool to explain what didn’t need to be explained. I have every right, PTSD or not, to be a rude prick. Those that know me also know that I’m also a very kind, caring person most of the time. But, I have strong opinions and I don’t shutter from them. It’s those strong opinions, values, beliefs, and standards that I won’t back down from that some people get uncomfortable with. Too bad. Deal with it! I’m not your touchy-feely-let-me-stroke-your-arm-while-I-stab-you-in-the-back kind of guy. I tell it like it is and no one can say they don’t know where I stand on an issue. Anyone disagree with that? Ask Code Pink if I mince words. Ask Obama’s National Security Council if I mince words. Heck, ask President Bush if I mince words. I wasn’t afraid to say what was on my mind any of those people in person (in the White House). Even my wife deals with it, though I truly wish I was better at crafting my words when talking to her. She truly DOES deserve better and my harsh tone has sometimes done more harm than good. SHE is the only person I owe an apology to.
I won’t coddle Michael Yon and his fools simply because they want to be spoken to like a 2-year old when I’m chastizing them. Not gonna happen. But, it has nothing to do with my PTSD.
If Michael Yon has some beef with me, I would hope he’s a big enough man to address it without dragging in sensitive and, frankly, erroneous rhetoric about PTSD. Especially since Yon himself stated he is not a PTSD expert. He allowed himself and his minions without brains to attack my mental state without knowing anything about it, frankly. He only corrected those that supported my side of the argument, proving he is simply following a personal agenda or vendetta. That’s fine, he’s free to do that. And i’m free to call him on it.
In the end, I’m not the loser. Soldiers with PTSD are. I’ve learned to manage my pain through years of therapy, love, and forgiveness. It would be a lie to say that I’ve learned to be the man I once was. I never will be. I still struggle every day to prevent myself from saying or doing something stupid to alienate my family or myself. I struggle to find a place where I can feel normal and accepted. Even amongst groups of like-minded people I consider friends, inside I still feel isolated. That’s a subconscious thing that people with anxiety disorders deal with. Consciously, we have to keep telling ourselves it’s just in our heads. We ARE important. We CAN live a “normal” life. The goal is to meet those challenges without the setbacks caused by irresponsible people like Michael Yon who have frequent, close contact with our suffering troops.
When our troops came home from Vietnam, they were literally spat on and cursed at. They became an unwanted generation, uneligible even for membership in some veterans organizations at the time. Their own brothers and sisters in arms turned their backs on them. Michael Yon is doing the virtual equivalent by making a mockery of this very real problem in the military today.
Now, unlike Yon, anyone can post a reply to what I’ve written. Unlike Yon, I’m not afraid of people telling me where to stick it. Unlike Yon, I can defend myself. So, I’m anxious to hear the retort. Silence is acceptance that i’m right.
